Sing a Song

I think it would be the coolest thing in the world to be able to sing - and make a living doing it. Seems though that there are a lot of "entertainers" out there. Surely there is a whole load of talent you can see locally, on the web, etc. But really, I don't want to be entertained by your songs - I want to feel them.



Personally - I love cities - and I prefer being lonely in them, the lonliness is part of the noise - but I've got to admit....I'm feeling it...

Staying

I saw an ad on ebay today for english mastiff puppies pretty close by - very, very reasonbly priced. I am fighting very hard the urge to go get one or two and put them in my not so very well preserved car and go. Just go...some place where no one knows me...or you. Most certainly irresponsibly impossible - which is a good thing - I'd like to think.

It smells like august

and the flowers, if not stunted, are dead. And then tonight when the rain poured down I watched my neighbor come outside with his wife and two children and they laughed and cheered and danced in the rain. Life is good.

Am I surrounded by beauty or am I trapped.....

Finally my own photos....taken in frustration and, as I've mentioned before, not recording what I see but...recording what it is.

I left the house with the dog looking for peace and saw few things that came close - pretty snow in a lovely neighborhood with all the private pain hidden, smothered.....the air was cold but the silence was not and we were all surrounded by beauty....life is good.

Coming back to a dark cold house longing for the simplicity of a gleeful giggle and the warmth that only comes from the depth of anothers eyes

"The Traveller on Flickr Photo Sharing http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3042/2996934902_4c5b26f4b7.jpg


'Is there anybody there?' said the Traveller,
Knocking on the moonlit door;
And his horse in the silence champed the grasses
Of the forest's ferny floor:
And a bird flew up out of the turret,
Above the Traveller's head
And he smote upon the door again a second time;
'Is there anybody there?' he said.
But no one descended to the Traveller;
No head from the leaf-fringed sill
Leaned over and looked into his grey eyes,
Where he stood perplexed and still.
But only a host of phantom listeners
That dwelt in the lone house then
Stood listening in the quiet of the moonlight
To that voice from the world of men:
Stood thronging the faint moonbeams on the dark stair,
That goes down to the empty hall,
Hearkening in an air stirred and shaken
By the lonely Traveller's call.
And he felt in his heart their strangeness,
Their stillness answering his cry,
While his horse moved, cropping the dark turf,
'Neath the starred and leafy sky;
For he suddenly smote on the door, even
Louder, and lifted his head:-
'Tell them I came, and no one answered,
That I kept my word,' he said.
Never the least stir made the listeners,
Though every word he spake
Fell echoing through the shadowiness of the still house
From the one man left awake:
Ay, they heard his foot upon the stirrup,
And the sound of iron on stone,
And how the silence surged softly backward,
When the plunging hoofs were gone.

The Listeners
by Walter De La Mare

A memory found me tonight....about the fall...

.


I was walking home alone late one dark and windy night....sorry, I'm already giggling...anyway - I was really walking home alone at night and it was very windy and the leaves were whipping against my ankles, limbs were falling, and it was dark, really dark. Not usually very skittish I was getting spooked....giggling again...yea, the leaves were after me and then I realized time was chasing me down.

Scared the shit out of me - still does.



I really love the fall - a word list: cool, sweater, socks, apple cider donuts, dust, fatter books, root vegetables....that makes me laugh....why the hell can't we eat root vegetables in the summer? School busses, jumping in leaf piles - big ones and deep in my memory the sound of a rake.



I wanted to post of few of my own photos. Since I finally bought a camera I've discovered that I have a great eye for a great photo - however, the camera always screws it up. So I look online and found this great poem:

On lonely autumn afternoons,
I sit and ponder autumn's fallen leaves.
I listen to the stillness of the room,
The whispered secrets of the nearby trees.

For time itself sails on a gentle breeze,
A motion imperceptible and slight.
It's measured by the shadows of the leaves,
That lengthen with the fading of the light.

Who knows of lonely autumn afternoons
That doesn't find some solace from within.
Warm hug of nature and her sweet perfume
Makes tired souls refreshed and new again.

~ Author unknown

And oh if I could paint....I would paint this song:

A Reprieve

Late August, after days of hot, humid, rainy weather, a short cool down, real sunshine and the cicadas are so incredibly loud they've drowned out the lawn mowers and edgers and I wonder if the crickets are breathing....life is good.

If I could.....I would draw this song

I've mentioned before that if I had the ability I would draw or paint song lyrics. So, if I could, I would draw this song:

Asshole Indicators

No Doubt

I've been thinking about this post for a long time and had quite a bit of input. The posts are supposed to be about those that, at first glance, are truly, no doubt about it, not even a question about it, surely, an obvious asshole. Not those that are merely annoying, not those that exhibit your pet peeves, not those that piss you off in the moment....these are real assholes.

Please join the fun....

You can spot them as soon as you walk in the door! You've been on the road for hours, your pants are sticking to your thighs, you have cotton mouth, you're tired, stiff and then you sit down and here he comes......the fucking world traveling philosopher.....likes Bach, country western, has been to San Antonio, LA, Boston and Greece. Charms snakes, has had three wives, no children, a cat and two dogs. Doesn't lie, cheat or steal, doesn't go to church but is a believer. He's also a fucking former smoker! He's just had his fourth cup of coffee....you're doomed!

What do they know....those trees...

Earlier this week I was numbly standing at the kitchen sink looking out the window and saw misty, wet green...everywhere green...and gray. What seems like weeks of damp, gray, rainy days have made all of the anticipated colors of late spring seem tired already. The air conditioner has been on for awhile now so I stepped outside to try to breathe some "real" air. It was late and the moon, behind the haze, was full and I looked up into the tree because the light was reflecting from the moonlight, the house light and the city lights and it looked pretty cool. And then from some mysterious somewhere that I only dream about I heard the breeze blow through the tops of the trees far away from here, gently creeping its way into my tree and over me. What a fucking delight!!!

Which got me to thinking how trees have always been my favorate plant. Actually, plant is way too small a word to describe a tree. They are entirely to majestic and fragile to be a simple "plant". And let's face it, most of their scientific names sound like diseases. And with all the scientific, horiticultural, and botanical knowledge we know of trees, we all have wondered at one time or another -- oh, if only they could tell us their stories! They shade us from our discomforts, they color our world, they are mysterious, scary and dangerous...just like us...and some of the big ones are witnesses!

I have been very lucky - where ever I've lived there has been a gigantic tree outside my window to keep me company and to keep me grounded. Kind of kept me humble...in my place...and only hinted at the wisdom it would share if I only would listen to their stories.

The sound of the breeze traveling through the trees has always reminded me of the sound of the ocean visiting the beach...a soothing song...and the trees and the seas are singing the same song...and tonight they're singing their song to me!

Lessons on friendship learned from a very wise young lady

I have written that I spend a lot of my time alone and that I'm rarely lonely but there are those times when I am very, very lonely. And then I generally wonder where my friends are and feel guilty that I haven't called or stopped by. I have never had a lot of friends but the few I have are extraordinarily special to me......I simply never see them. Haven't seen them for years as a matter of fact until last week when I attended a viewing for one of them.

Like you, I'm sure, I get a lot of sappy emails about staying in touch, live in the now, etc. All good ideas but shit we're busy! We're tired! Got to get some work done and the kids need shoes! I think it's all bullshit. And during those times when I'm feeling lonely and wondering where the hell my friends are I switch back and forth from feeling guilty for not calling more often and pissed off that nobody called me. I was discussing this with a person very close to me last week and she listened, quite patiently, to my rant and then said, "I think friendships are situational". And she smiled as I shut my mouth, rolled my eyes and said, "Oh my god you are so right".

I'm sure that most of us think that our high school best of the best friends are going to be forever - how could you think of not having that person around you all the time? Then you get to college and don't see that person so much and you discover some new interests and new friends to share them with. Then there's the friend that you are with ALL THE TIME because that person lives three and a half yards away from you. The one you can drop in on anytime and feel quite literally at home, the one you can spend a day at the beach with and not feel the need to talk, the one who simply knows you'll be there to close the windows when it rains. We are friends with the people we work with and the people our spouses work with. Some friends we don't see very often but we'll talk on the phone with them for hours at a time. Others we see, and thoroughly enjoy, only at social functions, family, or business functions.

These friends are special to us at certain times in our lives and then we move on and they move on....special situations, special friends....and yes, special forever.

P.S. A special thank you to that very wise young woman who set me straight.

P.S.S. This post is dedicated to my extra special forever friends: Liz, the late, great Big Bob, LindseyLew, Sam and JenJen.

Okay, I can't help myself......can't you just hear the Carole King song in the back of your mind.....teehee......love you all!

Lovingly haunting me lately

"....you always said you heard me even when I was silent".
From the "The Piano Tuner" by Daniel Mason

It's almost 11 years since my Dad died and the pain has certainly eased but the ache is constant.

And what, you say, is so good about that?

Well, I can still feel his laughter.

I am pacing....again

Sometimes my mind is swirling with random thoughts so fast I can't do anything but pace....and think how many times I've seen the words "random thoughts" in the last few months. I seem to have become addicted to the computer and discovered that a hell of a whole lot of bloggers use the tag "random thoughts" and usually they are rather inane. How can thoughts be random. Don't they come from way down deep inside us? A more apt description might be "demoralizing discoveries"; or "painful ponderings"; or "daily complaints"; or "how fucking bored can I be". Are our random thoughts plans? wishes? oh my god......do dreams come true? All I know is that I've been sitting here at the computer for four hours and have written this paragraph, stared at the table that needs dusting in a major way, planned to scan four generations of photos onto disk so I can get rid of the seven boxes of photos sitting next to me, wrote two songs in my head.....I'm not a musician but it was fun, decided not to eat a thing even though I am a tad hungry, planned tomorrow's dinner, wrote a note to plant some seeds in the garden, thought of quite a few pictures I want to take, some lesson plans for elementary school children that I think would be pretty cool....I'm not a teacher, checked facebook to see what I was missing, did not watch the news, and figured that the tag "random thoughts" got on my nerves because I am apparently so focused.

I actually believe, now that I got that off my chest, that random thoughts have probably ended up producing millions and millions acts of kindness, great books, beautiful music, amazing bridges, airplanes, silk, cheesecake....

Not always....

It was very, very windy today. I was envious. At least the wind was going somewhere - away from here. And what, you say, is so good about that....well, tomorrow is another day.

A quote from "The Hours" by Michael Cunningham

"...her hours of freedom, however long, always feel provisional"

Let us eat cake

There are a lot of birthdays in March - both with my family and the people I work with. Sometimes - even when it's way to often - it's good to eat way too much cake.

The days are getting longer

In the summer it seems that the night comes slowly. Life slows down, the sun drifts towards the horizon leisurely, sometimes spectacularly but you know the day is coming to a close.

In winter the night just appears - one minute its daytime and the next its dark and you just want to be at home - with a good fat book and cup of tea.

In the springtime the sun simply disappears but the light lingers....for a long time. The light is diffused and you can see the stars and sometimes the moon. The birds are back, loud and very active....for a long time.

And you wonder when will the night come. This time of the day makes me very restless.

as I said....I wander.....I wonder....

Today at work lunch was brought in because staff had met some newly implemented production goals that were reached ahead of time. Some didn't feel the need to leave their desks (we all usually eat at our desks); some had previously made plans, and quite a few constantly were getting up to answer (turn off) their phones. Conversation was forced.

What ever happened to lively banter?

My mind is all over the place

I have already deleted 3 drafts of posts. I've started to post this one 2 times and have gone off pondering. I started this blog because I have a tendency to spend a great deal of time pacing, and thinking, and my thoughts wander aimlessly....I'll be thinking of how guilty I feel because I haven't talked to my mom in a couple of weeks, and that I don't have patience for some people's self-absorption and then, wonderfully, my mind will drift to something someone said that made me laugh which would then remind me of a word that I liked and then I'll move on to a song I just had to listen to and then it's 4 am and I have to go to work tomorrow and then I just get pissed off because I am enjoying myself so much. My aim here is to get my shit together and to possibly share the good stuff with you...

Did I mention in my profile that I use foul language? dashes and dots?


I was being introduced to a new dentist at the university teaching clinic and I made fun of the way the new dentist's name was pronounced. There was a moment of not really very awkward silence when one of the other dentist's said, "you'll get used to her".......so will you.

One of the things that I am really fascinated with is the sense of place and how much I like to create it for myself. Everyone has a favorite chair or vacation spot or restaurant or city. How many times have you heard people describe their reaction to seeing or experiencing something big....like standing next to the ocean, coming up upon the Grand Canyon, seeing the Alps, a famous painting, an engineering masterpiece, the birth of a child....by saying something like "I felt so small", or "It overwhelmed me"? The few times I've been fortunate to experience something "big" I have felt very much a part of it - that I was a part of it. But so many more times - every day - I'm part of a million "big" things that I think most people don't see. Things that make me feel really good - and I'm not going to go off on a "you have to stop and smell the roses" rant. I'm talking about participating, understanding (or at least trying to), observing and appreciating the magnificent things that you experience every day.

Writers can spell it out for you, actors can express it for you, painters can give you hints and photographers can show you but how many of us can actually feel it?

My second post was about spring....a long, not very interesting bit of prose...but this is what I was trying to say...



















and now I see I'm having difficulty translating my thoughts to words....and how the hell to put the picture where I want it.....and that I will eventually be able to to do this. I'm going to sleep now.

Whispers of spring....and a Nor'easter

This morning as I stood numbly at the kitchen sink pouring coffee I looked out the window. More gray - sky, trees, street, houses - all gray or dull brown. March 1st and the longest month of the year for me just beginning. I prefer the cold weather but by March I'm ready for something a tad more colorful! I looked a little closer at the tree out the window and saw just the beginning of a red bud! Ah, spring won't be long now! 12 hours later everything is white - everything! And I get a snow day!! Thought I might be too old to get excited about a snow day but........

Okay, so maybe I'm getting in over my head......but that's good isn't it?